Just a little story time this week.
Just for starters - Payton’s ‘dad’ - I hate to even say that, because Mitchell is Payton’s dad, but the other half of his DNA, has never been involved in his life. Literally ever. He’s come around Payton a time or two when Payton was still in diapers but as far as knowing one another or contributing anything of value to Payton’s life - hasn’t happened. So unless I shared something with Payton - he knew/knows nothing about him.
Jack is 1 of 5 kids. He has two older brothers and two younger siblings, and we don’t have relationships with any of them. His youngest sibling, his little sister, and I have communicated from time to time on social media. She's a good human. I spent a lot of time with her while I was pregnant and before that. But, she or any of the rest of them don't 'know' Payt.
But, Yankton is a small town - and a lot of people who grow up here, never leave or leave and come back. So it was kind of inevitable that one of those siblings would end up in Yankton, with kids Payton’s age, doing the same things, etc.
His oldest brother was also incarcerated for a time, married a gal that went to high school with Mitchell and I ... while he was incarcerated. #DreamWedding😐 She has children from a previous relationship, one of them is the exact same age as Payton, and I didn’t really know that they were the same age until Payton started going to ‘real’ school.
This gal had tried to reach out to me on Facebook several times under two different accounts and be my friend on Facebook and that was not/is not something I’m willing to entertain. I don’t feel like people need to have access to Payton on my Facebook page just to show photos of Payton to people who clearly don’t give a shit about him - otherwise they would’ve tried to actually be in his life from the get go. I also am not going to allow someone who witnessed Jack be physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive to me and just watched - be near my child. If you can’t stand up for a woman in a situation like that - I don’t trust that you’ll stand up for my child.
ANYWAY - I had seen this gal at school drop off a few times, but was never sure what grade her son was actually in, didn’t know what he looked like, didn’t even know his name.
My mom typically picked up Payton from school. The job I had didn't really allow for the flexibility to come and go when he needed to be picked up (I was still working at Cimpl's at this point in time). They were hanging out and from what I remember Payton kind of word vomited that he knew that his dad was in prison. Obviously, no one was prepared for that two happen, he was 5-ish, and we all figured I had some time to figure out how in the hell I was going to have this conversation with Payton in a way that he would understand.
LOL - joke was on us, for sure. Because the conversation came out of no where, no one knew how to handle it, my mom simply confirmed with Payton that his 'dad' was in fact in prison. Which I didn't love. Then I got the ‘just a heads up Payton brought up XYZ today’ 😐 Loved that for us, so much.
Literally what the hell was I supposed to do or say. How in the hell do you explain to a 5 year old how their dad ended up in prison and why he’s not in his life. I knew that at that moment I didn’t have to have that ENTIRE conversation but my head was
S P I N N I N G, and I was scrambling.
My go-to dinner for Payton and I when we were just going to be hanging out was always Domino’s Pizza - he used to love it when he was little. So, I was brainstorming ‘okay, i’ll order some pizza, get it delivered, pick up a tub of ice cream from the store, and after pizza we can just eat out of the container and … chat… or not chat?’ Part of me literally did not even want to bring it up, like can we just move on? I was TERRIFIED of saying the wrong thing, or too much and overwhelming him or making him mad. Obviously I couldn’t/cant avoid this conversation forever but I really wanted to avoid it at this point in time. Big middle finger to this conversation - and honestly I was giving a big middle finger to Jack for it even having to be a thing.
I picked him up, we ordered our pizza, picked out what ice cream we were going to have and went home. It was almost awkward, I remember not even knowing how to act, I couldn’t just carry on like normal. We had dinner and watched a movie - then I busted out the ice cream, and we sat at the table.
I wish I could remember which one of us started the conversation but, I’m almost 100% confident it wasn’t Payton. Recall that my relationship with Payton even at 5 was not good, I was not a nice mom, I was not someone he wanted to confide in or talk to, so this was quite literally the absolute LAST thing he wanted to talk to me about. And I am so bad at this type of stuff I feel like I just dove right in and asked what happened at school that day, and what he had brought up to his nana.
He started to tell me he had a friend (who’s name I’m going to leave out) and they were playing with each other at recess. This little boy and him were talking, I’m sure about boy things, and he told Payton that they were cousins. I would imagine at that point Payt was super confused and must have asked how they were cousins. The only cousins Payton knew in his life, were my brothers kids, and all of my 1st cousins. He then proceeded to tell Payton that Payton’s dad was his uncle. And initiate more confusion considering Payton had never met Jack. He then shared that his grandparents were Payton’s grandparents and so on. Literal. Fucking. Nightmare.
So you know what I did, denied it all. There was no way in hell I was going to admit to any of that. His family, his cousins, his grandparents are the people in his life who he knows, the people who show up for him, love him, and support them. They aren’t some people who claim the name and have never been to anything - ever. But then he wanted to know - why would this kid say all of these things, and why would his mom tell him all of these things, if they weren’t true. And guess who didn’t have a response to that? This gal, right here. Not. A. Word.
I’m not proud of that - but I was 23, and so unbelievably unprepared for all the things.
Then he started to ask me about his dad. The only way I could think to explain it at the time was that he had made some bad choices, and bad choices have consequences. I tried to explain that I would never keep someone from him that I thought was going to be good for him. I vividly remember Payton being able to tell me that he didn’t think that I was right and in a 5 year old vocabulary, he essentially told me that I was selfish. Then I felt like I had to explain some of the reasons why Jack was not around. Which I did NOT do well. I way overshared and I just kept going back to him making 'bad choices. And the conversation ended very ... abruptly and with no real closure.
And guess what, we've hardly talked about it since. I thought maybe it would come up again when Mitchell adopted Payton, but it didn't. I've asked as he's gotten older if he has questions about anything and he's said 'no'. But, a couple months ago he was talking to my stepmom and was curious about what he looked like, but didn't and hasn't said a word to me... a
I've seen the girl since then, she still lives here, her son and Payton play school football together, I've seen her at the store, etc. She stopped me once walking out of the grocery store to tell me that she left Jack's brother, which is great good for you - he wasn't a good dude. But no apology was ever given for crossing a line and sharing information my son that was not hers to share. I saw her this year at a football game, and she didn't even look at me. Which is fine. The situation still riles me up a little bit and to be completely honest, I don't think that SHE thinks, she owes us an apology, but it is what it is.
This part of our life is so strange, and at 31 and 14 I still have no idea how to have that conversation with him. If we were to have the same conversation today I'm not sure it would go any better. But, it's like he knows ... but he doesn't know at the same time. As I write this I have to laugh - what a freaking shit show! But it wouldn't be our lives if it wasn't.
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