I wish I could write this post and tell everyone all of the amazing things that came from having a child at 18, how I loved being a mom so much, how not having Jack around brought us so close and it was all sunshine and rainbows - but that’s not the case.
Before we get too far in, postpartum depression is a real thing. If you even for a second think that you may be showing symptoms, please talk to someone. Don’t sit in the mindset that you can fix it by yourself, because I’m here to tell you…you can’t. Even if you don’t want to be medicated, just talk to someone.
I feel like even 13 years later, I have undiagnosed postpartum depression from Payton. I never talked to a counselor because I literally thought everything was fine. Payton probably plans to hurt me in my sleep, l-o-l. I’m being dramatic I’m sure…but ya never know.
Even before we decided to move to Washington, I was not the most present parent. I did a great job of posting photos of the two of us on social media, making sure I always captioned the photos something cute about how much I loved him and how much we were pals. I did/do love him because he’s my son and I’d do anything for him, but I didn’t always feel like I liked him. I liked my life PRE baby. I wanted the same experience that all of my friends were having. I wanted to go to parties, stay out late, move away and go to college, run around whenever I wanted to … the same life Jack was also living. So why couldn’t I?
I didn’t think about this much then, but I think about it now…I always worked a 3p-11p job for most of Payton’s young life. I feel like subconsciously that was intentional. I knew that if I worked from mid-afternoon to that late that I could take him to daycare, my mom would have to pick him up and, because it was so late when I got off, Payton would just stay the night at my mom’s house. If he had to stay the night at my mom’s house, that meant I could go out after work with my friends, pretend like I didn’t have a kid, and live a ‘normal’ life. That’s exactly what I did. Looking back, I gave Payton and my mom a big ‘ol F you and didn’t think twice about it. My mom got ‘stuck’ with Payton way more than I care to admit. Even now, I’m truly embarrassed about it. I wish more than anything that things weren’t the way that they were, but as you all know, you can’t take back time. There are no do overs, and now I’m trying to have a relationship with a 13 year old boy who truly does not want anything to do with me. If some of you are reading this saying to yourself, ‘it’s just the age’, some of it is, I agree, but most of it … is not. I am not kind.
I could not have raised him without my mother. Lord bless her. Her and I have struggles of our own (another post down the road), but she was way more of a mom than I was for way too much of Payton’s life. I put her through the ringer. I’d say that I’d come pick up Payton and wouldn’t show up. I was defiant and disrespectful. I was just pissed - I was pissed at my life.
I grew to resent Payton to some degree. He forced me to have responsibilities that his other half wasn’t forced to have. I started to think about what I had initially wanted for my future and what it would look like now. I figured I’d end up as some shitty statistic about teen moms – I’d never get married, because who would want to date someone who has a kid, I’d struggle the rest of my life financially because I had to support Payton on my own, and it was Payton’s fault. I began to expect so much of Payton, at such a young age. If I had to grow up fast, so did he. I feel like I stole a lot of his ‘youth’ by trying to make him behave much older than he was and then losing my shit when he couldn’t act how I wanted. Then, to make it worse (for me, anyway), we would go places and people would say to me how well behaved he was. “You’re doing such a good job, Lauren.” He was pretty well behaved, but still to this day I’m not sure if it's because he was just good or because I scared him so much he didn’t want to step out of line. Then, to have people tell me I was doing a good job? No … no thanks. Keep that to yourself. I knew I wasn’t doing a good job. I was kind in public but annoyed and angry behind closed doors. I knew it was wrong. I would get mad at Payton and then get mad at myself. I’d say to myself, “Lauren what the actual fuck are you doing?! HE’S JUST A KID”, but it’s like I couldn’t comprehend that he was just a little person who didn’t know why he shouldn’t do the things I was scolding him for. I just expected him to know. I was so unfair.
As he got older, he tried so hard to get me excited about little things that he would do, like kids do, and I wanted no part of it. There was no returned excitement from me in many of the things that he did. I was just annoyed. My family started to call me out on my behavior. My annoyance started to become physically obvious when Payton would even talk to me. My whole demeanor would change, like my facial expressions and tone of voice. Then it was constantly a ‘Lauren, you’ve got to quit doing that’ or ‘if we can see it and sense it, so can Payton’ and I didn’t even care. I was that way because he was ‘naughty’, he ‘didn’t listen’, ‘he lied to me’, ‘he..this and that’ the list goes on. Which is true, he did do those things, but most of the time they were just little kid things, not deliberate behaviors. I went from 0 to 100 on the daily. I’ve said things to Payton that make me sick to my stomach, and what makes me even more sick is that I didn’t even get good at apologizing to him until YEARS later.
So, we just fight, all the time. Or I fight and he just takes it. I hate to even say that, but it’s the truth. But, as he's gotten older the fight has become two sided. I've stopped Payton twice from leaving. We've wrestled in my entry way, I've tried to talk to him about things and he won't talk to me because he 'doesn't like me'. If you're reading this saying 'Lauren, it's the age' - I agree. It is, I've said that to my parents before - but you didn't see his face or hear the conviction in his voice when he said it. He hates to be at home, and he's very open about that. He feels like he's always in trouble, that I'm always mad at him. Rightfully so. If I were him I would feel that way too. Why would anyone want to be somewhere where they are constantly under attack - sometimes just for making the wrong face at the wrong time.
I'm not sure if its subconscious or conscious, haha, but I feel like I hold Payton to such higher standards because I do NOT want him to be like Jack. So, any tiny little behavior, attitude. whatever - is severely over corrected, and we just keep growing farther apart. I wish that at almost 14 years later I could say that we've been able to fix this stuff and this post was written 'past tense', but it's not. And maybe this doesn't sound like as big of a deal to you? Or as big of a problem as it really is - but it really is a problem.
I think that deep down I still hold a lot of unresolved anger at Jack for fucking up my life. Don’t freak out - I don’t think Payton is a fuck up, not in the slightest. I literally would not have the life I have now without him and I am so grateful for our life now(even if its still a little screwy) . But Jack fucked up my life, and I’ll never be able to ‘take it out’ on him, and I've used that - to channel all of that towards Payton. Unfortunately.
It hurts my heart to write a post like this. I’m not the only person I know who was a teen parent or who had a kid and raised/is raising them alone. But watching their relationships, and then looking at us, it makes me wonder: why don’t they feel like I do? Why aren't those parents as angry as me? Or if they are, how in the hell do they channel it to the correct places instead of at their kids, ya know? I'm so ashamed that getting this 'off my chest' has to even be a thing for me.
I re-read this whole post and I feel like I can't convey well enough the true turmoil our relationship has been in since day one. It's a lot of ugly things about me, as a parent, that I'm not proud of - at all. It's hard to post just knowing everyone will form an opinion about it, about me. But if I'm having this issue - I know I can't be the only one. And I said, real + raw - so that's what's here.
Just another little peak into the dark side of what's in my highlight reel on social.
Payton and I start in-person therapy this month. Hopefully we can iron out some of this ugly.
Xoxo,
Lo
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Lauren you are not alone in this at all. I have a lot of these same feelings towards my oldest and we are both in therapy for it. Thank you for sharing this, I relate to it so much and I’m glad to know I’m not alone. ❤️
Lauren, I am so proud of you for opening up about this! You are not alone at all in the feelings of anger and frustration towards your child. Becoming a mother as a teenager is not easy at all, I many times wonder how my life would be if I didn’t have to be a baby raising babies. Obviously wouldn’t change if for the world but it does come with so much extra. I’m so happy you are both beginning a healing journey. It will not be an easy journey but i promise it is worth it!! All my love